Bigger Picture Moments: The Sacred Ground

Gay marriage and circumcision and GMO foods and gun control.

All of these issues have been exploding all around me via social media and news and in-person conversation this week.

And I've been very quiet in the actual conversations mostly because I've been wrestling on the inside, crying out to God, asking him how to respond thoughtfully and lovingly to these ongoing debates as someone who proclaims to love Jesus, as someone who really loves people.

John and I have long dialogued about these issues and these types of issues and we're often on different pages or even chapters regarding the actual issues. And we still share an intimate life together, abiding in family and love under the same roof and even the same blankets.

With our different perspectives and experiences and thoughts, we often have to meet on the sacred ground of Jesus while abiding in the living Word He's given us.

And remember how He loved. How He interacted with sinners like us.

How He lived in the world but was not of the world. How He left us with His Spirit and His truth-filled Word.

Wednesday morning, a night after a long discussion ensued, I felt myself needing to just soak and saturate in the Word.

I read through 1 Corinthians and was struck by this one especially during this Holy Week.

 "I do want to point out, friends, that time is of the essence. There is not time to waste, so don't complicate your lives unnecessarily. Keep it simple -- in marriage, grief, joy, whatever. Even in ordinary things -- your daily routines of shopping and so on. Deal as sparingly as possible with the things the world thrusts on you. This world as you see it is on its way out." {The Message, 1 Corinthians 7: 29-31}

Simply, life is about a reconciliation of our hearts to our Creator, and during this Holy Week especially, I think my own mind and heart need to take a step back from the issues of this world

and focus on the Savior of this world.

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Everyday Life: Made New

Last year at this time, I was reeling.

Physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally -- all reeling.

The loss of two little babies from my womb to Heaven, the loss of my physical health, the loss of my mental health as anxiety flooded my thoughts -- it all left me feeling cracked and dried out, like I'd been left out in the cold all winter long.

Luckily spring and summer and fall were long months of warmth, healing and renewal.

And though we began 2013 in the midst of cold Chicago winter, it sort of felt like a rebirth to me.

The newness of the year was refreshing in a way that spring is after a long, cold winter.

The past year had been long, but in it God has brought healing to my body and my mind and my heart.

And not only has He brought healing, but he's also brought renewal.

I am not the same person I was a year ago this past December; I am not the same person I was a year ago today.

But I didn't totally notice that until we heard our pastor speak words from Luke 5:38.

"And no one puts new wine into old wineskins. For the new wine would burst the wineskins, spilling the wine and ruining the skins. New wine must be stored in new wineskins."

I am a new wineskin this year. I am no longer dried out and cracked like I was; rather I have been made new.

As I sat in this truth, I realized, too, that I couldn't rightfully compare this new pregnancy to the others -- not any of the others -- because this freshly gifted baby is like new wine in a new wineskin ready to merely be stretched instead of cracked and broken.

And so my heart's cry is to trust in the Hand that's made me new, to embrace the swelling and stretching and to trust that He will not allow me to be broken.

Bigger Picture Moments: The Question I don't Know How to Answer

Editor's Note November 2012: If you are looking for information on restoring your digestive system, please know that The Body Ecology Diet helped me, but it didn't completely restore my health. My body actually stalled out on the the diet, and I needed to go off it to heal other parts of my body. You can read about my last steps in healing by clicking here. 

It's the question I don't know how to answer.

When we walk into church and we're greeted by faces familiar with the prayer requests.

Or when I workout at my club after a long stretch of vacation.

In responding to emails

texts

phone calls

greetings.

"How are you?"

And the truth is I know.

But I don't know.

I am better, yes.

But I'm not better.

I'm well.

But I'm not totally well -- totally recovered from the monstrosity of a gut flora imbalance that not only wreaked havoc on my digestive tract but also my mind, my emotions, my vitality, my energy and my sense of mental and even physical, yes, physical balance.

I've healed in so many beautiful ways, and I'm better.

But I'm not.

Yet.

And I keep saying yet.

Because, honestly, I'm still waiting for the restoration, for the full healing to sweep over my body.

And that's funny because I haven't exactly known what it is that's still not right other than something is still not right. I've been walking around not completely sure of what's out of balance other than the obvious smattering of seemingly unrelated physical persistence of feeling slightly off kilter in stance coupled with headaches and food sensitivities and other abnormal but mostly boring and mild annoyances.

Until I wasn't.

Monday afternoon, a little call from my primary care physician with the results of an easy saliva hormone test gives name and precise diagnosis to what I've been long been told is a hormone imbalance of some sort.

The call sent me into a tailspin of memories as we talked about this being both the likely cause of the two miscarriages last fall and the likely cause of all my latest ailments, too.

But it's fixable, he said. There are creams, shots.

I don't want that kind of fix.

I'm not a throw-a-patch-over-the-hole-in-the-tire kind of girl; I'm a find-the-stretch-of-road-where-my-car-ran-over-the-nail kind of fixer who wants to clean up the box that spilled so it doesn't keep happening.

And that's a lot harder because it's not just a matter of finding someone who understands my body in that kind of detail; it's money, time, energy and effort {on repeat}, all of which are resources that have dwindled significantly during these past nine months of focused healing.

I tossed myself into bed Monday evening completely overwhelmed at the thought of starting fresh with this new but actually old health issue and resigned to prayer and reading my Bible when Jesus seemed to ask me the question I've kind of come to dread: the old "how are you?" but in Jesus speak.

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burnt out on religion?"

Except, in that moment, I didn't hesitate like I normally do when asked, filtering through what I want to say and what I ought to say and what would be short but complete enough to be honest and genuine.

Instead I just breathed out what I really felt, what I've really been feeling.

Yes.

Yes. Yes. And yes.

"Come to me, and I will give you rest." {Matthew 11:28}

Haven't I come so many times already? I asked.

My morning devotion came to my mind immediately, a barely audible whisper reminder.

"You have not because you ask not." {James 4:2} ... which was followed by "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find." {Matthew 7:7}

And in the stillness of confession, of answering the question to which I'm always struggling to find the perfect reply, I realized that maybe it's not so much about finding the right answer but finding the rest that allows me to say no matter the circumstance

that even though I'm well

but not totally well

 it is well

so very well

with my soul.


Each Thursday we come together to share the harvest of intentional living through sharing a piece of life gleaned: a picture, words, creation or list; just come to the table with the beauty in the simple moments of the week. Link up your gleaned moment this week at Jade's!

Link your moment at Jade's this week!

Living Faith Out loud: On Battles, real and imaginary

I've been dreaming wild dreams these past few nights, my subconscious working overtime even in the hours of slumber.

Last night, this one is my favorite from recent sleeps, I was a part of a super-hero action team of animated characters fighting human foes who were intent on destroying Denver. None of it makes a lot of sense seeing as I'm not enthralled with super heroes nor do I live in Denver, other than my-self psychoanalysis telling me that perhaps I feel like I'm waging a war for which I'm not equipped.

These vivid nights filled with dreams always happen whenever I feel like my plans aren't materializing as I'd planned.

It also happens when I spend entire days wrapped up in heavy thought, trying to work out in my mind what could unfold and the action needed if each scene I'm imagining did turned to reality, trying to equip myself for each new battle. 

Really, I know, though, that the reason I don't feel equipped is because imaginary battles regarding immaterialized possibilities are unequipable. 

He arms us with exactly what we need in each situation to handle exactly what we're going through in the moment, but often, not prior.

I have to keep reminding myself that right now my battle isn't some masked disease causing these lingering physical symptoms -- because as it stands, I've checked out fine, which tells me that shouldn't make any more assumptions of something being seriously wrong unless something shows as seriously wrong.

So my battle right now isn't against un-realized and un-discovered diseases.

But, rather, my battle right now is against anxiety and the what-if worries that creeps into my heart when I feel like my body should be free of any lasting symptoms of the gut flora imbalance I've been asking God to restore for the past five months through diet changes and, more importantly, His healing hand. 

And, sometimes the struggle in my mind -- the one of anxiety -- is minimized though it stands tall and hulking in my daily life, a giant that needs slaying often. 

I've often felt discouraged in the midst of this battle, especially when I've shared my struggle and others have told me simply to not let these thoughts take me captive, suggesting there is a simple switch I have  yet to find and easily flip in order to find freedom from both.

In my hours spent crying out to God, I've yet to find such a switch.

The intense battles against worry and anxiety are fierce wars raging to liberate the mind and heart space from unrealized fears so that both can rightfully be filled with the deep joy that stems from the gifts the Giver gives us moment by moment. 

And I have found strong weapons with which to battle in these seasons of hardship that are part of living life outside the perfection of the original Garden. 

One sword that slays worry is living in the moment. One shield is finding His joy moment by moment. And perhaps the mother of all weapons is living a life entrenched in the Word.

I've been memorizing James 1: 2-6. 

"Consider it joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perserverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."

James reminds me that there is purpose in trials -- even ones of worry and anxiety. He reminds me that there is joy found in maturation

joy found in perseverance.

and joy found in living in the moments placed directly in our open-palmed hands. 

And in those open palms, I've found, too, that He's placed the strongest weapons for slaying worry, equipping me for the battle at hand.

If you're going through a particularly rich growing season, I'd love to pick up the mighty weapon of the Word together and memorize James 1:2-6.

{I'd also welcome you to any of my end-of-the-day Gilmore Girls viewing adventures because I know that sometimes the mind just needs a break from the deepness of thoughts and the heaviness of life, so I bought for really cheap from local mom seasons one and two. Just keeping it totally real here!}

Everyday Life: As Planned

I woke to a face full of thrashing, kicking toddler feet and only pillows piled in the space my husband normally fills.

Not my favorite way to start the day.

In the quiet of Saturday morning, I walked downstairs with my toddler, hand-in-hand and found my best laid plans cracked at the foundation.

John, curled up in the guest bed, groaned that he didn't feel so well and that he wasn't going to make it through the day with the boystorm

which meant I wasn't going to make it through the day without them, as I'd planned.

Groggily, I scrambled to call our manager and coaches and let them know the conference was no longer a go for me explaining how we could proceed and then fueled straight into the normal week-day mom mode of unloading the dishwasher and preparing breakfast while fielding a hundred and one questions from my boys, my mind still in overdrive about trying to reorganize the day.

Until my oldest made a remark that spun around on my heels when he essentially asked what happened to our morning quiet time.

In the fullness of routine after plans diverted, frustration brimming over my plans having gone haywire, he reminded me I'd skipped over what is normally part of each day's plan. Quietly, and with a resolved deep breath in and out, I abandoned the clean dishes and snuggled up on the couch with the boys only to read from Jesus Calling:

"As you look into the day that stretches out before you, you see many choice-points along the way. The myriad possibilities these choices present can confuse you. Draw your mind back to the threshold of this day, where I stand beside you, lovingly preparing you for what is ahead.
You must make your choices one at a time, since each is contingent upon the decision that precedes it. Instead of trying to create a mental map of your path through this day, focus on My loving Presence with you. I will equip you as you go, so that you can handle whatever comes your way. Trust Me to supply what you need when you need it."
"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."—Lamentations 3:22–26
"Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him!"- Psalm 34:8 

The God-breathed whispers of the divine are sometimes buried beneath my clean dishes, my frustration, my best laid plans scattered and dispersed.

And in the quiet of Saturday morning, my heart slowed to regular keeping time, mind untwisted, as I waited for His to unfold, fully assured that though Saturday wasn't supposed to go like this, it actually, really was.

Because when I make Him the priority in the plan, I've accomplished the greatest part of  His plan for the day.

Everyday Life: Word

There is soft sunlight slipping through the slits of shades on a peaceful Sunday morning.

I can almost hear a Whisper from the Divine calling me out of a plush hotel bed and into the newness of morning.

I quietly sneak out of the suite I'm sharing with my bride-to-be sister and some friends, slide out of a creaky door and inhale the freshness of country air, breathe in the nostalgia of farm fields.

The promise of harvest dances in the golden tassels, sways in the gentleness of late summer breezes.

And the farmers who've tilled and sown strong seed into fertile fields, watered and weeded, carefully looked over and maintained their crops will reap the fruits of their labor soon.

It beckons me, so I open my Love Letter and begin to read the carefully penned words of James, encouragement to tame the tongue and seek out Divinely inspired wisdom.



But the words that linger on my lips, as I speak them into the warming morning air, plant themselves in my heart alongside the view of stretches of cornfields, pregnant with abundance:

"Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness." James 3:18

I breathe it in, breathe it out.

And I know that Truth isn't only carefully penned onto fine pages and bound together into a big Holy book; it's also written beautifully across all of Creation.

Revisiting ... I'm Cranky because I'm Hungry

Every now and then I like to look back at where I was a year ago and read a little bit about what life was like then. I needed to read this again today because the grumblings have become more pronounced during last week's chaos. Here's to a filling week, for you and me both.

Originally posted July, 1, 2010
I've noticed the meltdowns are a whole lot hotter at our house when my boys are hungry.

Sometimes none of us realize that their hunger manifests itself in general crankiness and the whining drives me to run for the front door, much like Heather today, and search for just a few minutes of solitude, an escape from the noise.

When I finally realize it's as easy as giving them a snack, something to fill up their stomachs and mellow their hunger, I breath a sigh of relief and load their little hands up with nutritious, satiating foods like apples and cheese instead of candy and cookies. I don't want them to sugar buzz and then crash and burn all over again, you know.

And the meltdowns quickly mellow, like a pot of boiling water, from large, bursting water bubbles to a gentle simmer and finally to cool, still water.

You know, I'm a lot like my boys.

I have moments where I just totally lose my cool and become completely irrational, groaning, stomping and throwing a general unattractive adult temper tantrum in the face of minor inconveniences and offenses.

Sometimes I lose it when the whining persists; sometimes the things that send me into a fury of grumbling are as simple as picking up yet another dirty dish from the living room or finding half-full-of-milk cereal bowls inches away from an empty dishwasher.

I didn't realize it until this morning, but, my meltdowns are a whole lot hotter when I'm hungry, too. In these moments, I'm cranky because I'm hungry. I'm not physically hungry, like my boys; rather my soul is hungry; it's growling for spiritual food.

As I was reading a chapter on satisfaction in Beth Moore's book, Breaking Free {which I'm reading with my good friend Stephanie, who is such an encouragement and blessing. Do you know her?}, I had this epiphany, lovingly handed to me in just a few simple, yet so complex paragraphs.

Moore says: "We can learn several truths about satisfied souls by drawing parallels between the soul and the physical body ....The soul can manifest physical symptoms of need. I like to think of it this way: Just like my stomach growls when I'm hungry for physical food, my spirit tends to growl when I'm in need of spiritual food."

When I'm snapping at my kids, barking at my husband, stomping my feet over life's spilled milk, I need to do the same thing for my soul that I do for my kids when their bellies are hungry: I need to feed it.

For me, I feed my soul in so many ways: reading God's Word, praying, spending moments in solitude and silence, writing here in this space about the ideas He's layed on my heart, creating.

Of course, I'm filled the most and am the most satiated when I'm finding my fulfillment, my satisfaction in Him. But, admittedly, I also feed my soul by tending to the desires He's laid on my heart. Writing, painting, photographing, in short, creating, also feeds my soul.

This ephiphany, for me, was so freeing of the guilt that ususally attaches itself to me after I've had a hot temper tantrum.

I'm not a bad mom.

I'm not failing.

I'm just hungry. And in my quest to feed everyone else, I've forgotten or neglected to feed myself.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake." Psalm 23


So when your spirit grumbles, what do you do? What feeds your soul? And does what your feeding it fuel you for an entire day or does it, like candy, cause you to go strong for an hour and then crash from the sugar buzz?

Against the Grain: It's the End of the World?

I hesistate to even mention this, as I don't want to give false witness more space than its already been given.

But I don't think I can ignore it.

Because as we drove to my cousin's graduation party yesterday we got up close and personal with prophetic doom and gloom:

"'...Blow the trumpet ... warn the people' {Ezekiel 33:3}

Judgegement Day

May 21, 2011

The Bible guarentees it."

As John and I read these bolded words covering a billboard alongside of I-294 here in Chicagoland, we couldn't actually ignore the conversation any longer.

We recalled the various tales we've heard these past few weeks leading up to this infamous phrophetic day.

We've heard of friend's friends who've sold everything they own.

We've seen those in the church question whether this Harold Camping could be right.

My future brother-in-law came across a guy at a gas station who was panicking, griping a pamphlet announcing this supposed end of the world, predicted by Harold Camping of Family Radio. He ended up praying with this man, rivetted with anxiety and uncertainty, for nearly 30 minutes.

People -- of various backgrounds and beliefs and faiths -- are buying into this prophecy of the end of the world according to Camping.

And it doesn't baffle me.

Because we're all searching for Truth. Truth in the most capital T, paramount of ways.

IF Harold Camping were right about this predicted end of the Earth AND the end actually came, that would be Truth played out. However, Camping has been wrong before {a blundered 1994 prediction.}

Jesus has never failed me with His words or promises.

According to Jesus, who is described as the Truth, the Way and the Light {John 14:6}, Camping {nor anyone else who makes such predictions of the end of the world} simply CANNOT be certain of his claims.

"No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." Matthew 24:36

Paul said in 1 Thessalonians 5:2 "For you know very well the day of the Lord will come like a theif in the night."

Theives don't plaster billboards along the side of the road announcing which neighborhoods they'll be targeting, let alone which homes they will be robbing.

Likely, neither will God.

If JESUS doesn't even know when He is to return, Camping surely doesn't either.

Camping is using the dip and skip method of Biblical research.

He's taking certain parts of the Bible and deeming them as truthful and reliable and then skipping other essential parts.

And we all know that a house divided against itself cannot stand.

Therefore, scripture doesn't negate other pieces of scripture.

We can't take and apply only parts of the Bible we like and ignore the rest.

We cannot take some of God's Word literally and ignore other pieces.

Either it's the Holy inspired Word of God or it's not.

And I believe it is.

So because I believe Jesus is reliable and that the Bible is the Holy Inspired Word of God, I rest peacefully in Jesus' words, knowing that only the Father knows when Jesus will return.

Which means John and I won't be selling anything we own or cease to prayerfully make plans or live our lives in any other way than we normally would because we are called to engage in life wholly and intentionally, blooming where He's planted us, being the parts of the body.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." Hebrews 12:21

And since we don't know when that race ends, we'll be running it like normal -- storing up our treasures in heaven {Matthew 6:20} -- today and tomorrow and this week and Saturday and for however much longer this race extends.

{Remember, please, if you disagree, keep the comments kind and respectful. As Melissa says, it's MY blog. So play fair or go home. :) }