Everyday Life: On Miracles

I've lost track of time in the long summer days and short nights during this second round of hosting our host daughter, and I've neglected to write all of what I've so desperately wanted to remember about this time in our lives where miracles have rained down on us like soft, sweet drops of water on a thirsty land.

It was so dry for so long after Selah passed from this time into eternity, and I was parched last summer and praying and begging God for a miracle. I'd begged Him to fill the empty that was aching inside the hollow spaces of my heart.

As I began slowly taking those empty pockets and the ones filled with all of the memories that left me bitter and weeping and angry, as I slowly and gently began giving them voice and giving them over and really receiving the love God has been lavishing on me, life began to slowly and steadily change.

While circumstances greatly changed, too, I'm convinced more of what has changed is my heart.

The miracles that have played out before our eyes in the time and space of the past year have been great and deserve a space all of their own -- I mean, we've been praying for a daughter, the boys asking for a sister and here we are standing on the edge of having our heart's cry turn reality; greater still, though, is the miracle that has played out in my heart: the realization that I am deeply loved by God, and that I need to deeply love myself.

I thought for sure that I had loved myself, but when I began to ask questions of myself about my actions toward myself and my thoughts toward myself and my love toward myself, I realized I'd actually been eating the lie that speaking the word love equates actually loving.

It doesn't.

Our actions speak much louder than our words -- not just toward others but also toward ourselves.

As I began taking this to the Lord in prayer, I began realizing that I hadn't been loving myself through actions or thoughts or words.

"When will I lose this weight?"

"I'm sorry I'm always so thoughtless."

"I always forget everything."

"I suck at this mothering thing."

And the kicker -- I asked myself if I was treating myself the way Jesus would treat me. All I could do was shake my head in wonder at how far I was from really living in the grace and love and truth of Christ.

For the longest time, I've come to realize, I had accepted Christ's forgiveness  ... but I never accepted the grace He offers for us to leave behind the guilts and shames of those things for which we're not even sure why we feel guilty and shamed ... for those things which we're not even consciously carrying shame and guilt. The subconscious is a beast. And since we operate out of our subconscious 95 percent of the time, I figured I'd better pay attention to what I've been doing because it was telling me a lot about what I actually believe.

And what I'd been believing was that I was not enough.

Not good enough. Not thin enough. Not healthy enough. Not fit enough to be a mother or a wife. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Just plainly and simply not enough.

It's amazing what happens when we start giving the lies we've been living to a living and loving God.

It's amazing what happens when we start believing and accepting what Christ actually says about us in John 15 -- that we are chosen, we are his friends, we are beloved.

And it's amazing what happens when we start treating ourselves that way.

A miracle, indeed.

Interested? Here's the self-talk I began changing:

Before: "I want to lose weight because I'm uncomfortable with the way I look."
Now: "I love every part of myself. And every part of me tells a story. My body does so much."

Before: "I'm so fat."
Now: "I have fat on my body, but that's not who I am."

Before: "I suck at this motherhood thing."
Now: "I love being a mom even during the tough moments."

Before: "I always forget everything."
Now: "Forgetting is part of life; I'll try to do it differently next time."

Living Healthfully: When Food Proves It Matters

The heat spread across my face breaks apart and flees the moment the cold wind rushes into me.

I am sweating bullets, and I am grinning like an idiot, riding out the door of a doctor's visit on a windy gale of hope and astonishment, high above the ground I walked in on.

During 3-year-old E's evaluation, she'd said much of what we suspected was happening inside our youngest's body: poor digestion, inflammation, candida overgrowth in the gut suppressing his immune system -- much of which can be helped holistically and through simple remedies like taking digestive enzymes to help break down proteins.

It's good news, yes, that he can be treated well without strong herbs or medications or, gosh, that he can be treated in any way other than just following a life sentence strict elimination diet, avoiding those key foods that seem to irritate those of us whose digestive tracts are far more sensitive than most.

So I'm riding high on that hope, but I'm also thanking God for what has been sewn into our youngest's small body: real, nourishing food.

Little ones with such weak digestion normally have various, plentiful nutritional deficiencies that delay their growth and development; E, our little lineman, is pretty nutritionally rich.

Some parents say that they try to feed their kids healthy food, the doctor says after scanning his body, but you two actually have.

Wait what? We have? Despite the no broccoli and his desire to eat only pasta-esque dishes? Really?

These are exactly the words needed for parents who have been scrupulously trying to help heal a visibly and invisibly ailing little body in any ways they can -- avoiding gluten {his sensitivity} like it's rat poison, making foods from scratch the majority of meals*, sneakily pureeing vegetables into any sauces or meatloaf or homemade breads that promises to hide even the vaguest shade of green.

These are exactly the words needed for parents who have begun suspecting more and more that the list of ailments from which our children, from which we suffer are consider "normal" are rooted deeply in nutrition or lack thereof.

That by the vast grace of God of all the messages that are broadcast constantly about health and healthy food, we heard, amid all the noise, the ones about what it takes to build a healthy body from the inside out, from the cell level.

So I'm riding high and the nervousness bound up and wound tightly in my stomach has unraveled and come apart at the sharing of the words from our crazy-smart doctor:

we are not crazy.

We are not crazy for fighting the school-snack fight with our oldest.

We are not crazy for having a food budget that is almost double that of what it used to be

And we are not crazy for having been so invested -- time, money, energy-wise -- in what our family has been eating.

There is something to this whole food journey we've been wildly trying to navigate that is finally, finally, finally showing itself true and well and alive in a little boy who could be much worse for the wear had he been on the Standard American Diet his mother and father and brother have been weaning off for the past three years since his birth.

I take those words home with me, hold them close as I offer praise to God for E's body and the ability He gave it to heal itself through the foods He intended for us to eat.

I take those words home with me, hold them close as I begin to wonder how I can possibly even begin to share {without sounding like a broken record or uppity or preachy or judgey} how food has been proving it matters in my life, E's life

because I desperately and passionately desire for it to prove it matters in, well, all of our lives.

And I finally feeling a little braver and beginning to think I might not be crazy for it.

{Just keeping it real: we don't eat perfectly all of the time; we just simply strive to eat well 80 percent of the time. My kids would swim in a vat of mac n cheese if we let them, and they can list at least six menu items on the Culvers **shudder** menu from having gone there on non-mommy endorsed dates.}

Bigger Picture Moments: The Question I don't Know How to Answer

Editor's Note November 2012: If you are looking for information on restoring your digestive system, please know that The Body Ecology Diet helped me, but it didn't completely restore my health. My body actually stalled out on the the diet, and I needed to go off it to heal other parts of my body. You can read about my last steps in healing by clicking here. 

It's the question I don't know how to answer.

When we walk into church and we're greeted by faces familiar with the prayer requests.

Or when I workout at my club after a long stretch of vacation.

In responding to emails

texts

phone calls

greetings.

"How are you?"

And the truth is I know.

But I don't know.

I am better, yes.

But I'm not better.

I'm well.

But I'm not totally well -- totally recovered from the monstrosity of a gut flora imbalance that not only wreaked havoc on my digestive tract but also my mind, my emotions, my vitality, my energy and my sense of mental and even physical, yes, physical balance.

I've healed in so many beautiful ways, and I'm better.

But I'm not.

Yet.

And I keep saying yet.

Because, honestly, I'm still waiting for the restoration, for the full healing to sweep over my body.

And that's funny because I haven't exactly known what it is that's still not right other than something is still not right. I've been walking around not completely sure of what's out of balance other than the obvious smattering of seemingly unrelated physical persistence of feeling slightly off kilter in stance coupled with headaches and food sensitivities and other abnormal but mostly boring and mild annoyances.

Until I wasn't.

Monday afternoon, a little call from my primary care physician with the results of an easy saliva hormone test gives name and precise diagnosis to what I've been long been told is a hormone imbalance of some sort.

The call sent me into a tailspin of memories as we talked about this being both the likely cause of the two miscarriages last fall and the likely cause of all my latest ailments, too.

But it's fixable, he said. There are creams, shots.

I don't want that kind of fix.

I'm not a throw-a-patch-over-the-hole-in-the-tire kind of girl; I'm a find-the-stretch-of-road-where-my-car-ran-over-the-nail kind of fixer who wants to clean up the box that spilled so it doesn't keep happening.

And that's a lot harder because it's not just a matter of finding someone who understands my body in that kind of detail; it's money, time, energy and effort {on repeat}, all of which are resources that have dwindled significantly during these past nine months of focused healing.

I tossed myself into bed Monday evening completely overwhelmed at the thought of starting fresh with this new but actually old health issue and resigned to prayer and reading my Bible when Jesus seemed to ask me the question I've kind of come to dread: the old "how are you?" but in Jesus speak.

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burnt out on religion?"

Except, in that moment, I didn't hesitate like I normally do when asked, filtering through what I want to say and what I ought to say and what would be short but complete enough to be honest and genuine.

Instead I just breathed out what I really felt, what I've really been feeling.

Yes.

Yes. Yes. And yes.

"Come to me, and I will give you rest." {Matthew 11:28}

Haven't I come so many times already? I asked.

My morning devotion came to my mind immediately, a barely audible whisper reminder.

"You have not because you ask not." {James 4:2} ... which was followed by "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find." {Matthew 7:7}

And in the stillness of confession, of answering the question to which I'm always struggling to find the perfect reply, I realized that maybe it's not so much about finding the right answer but finding the rest that allows me to say no matter the circumstance

that even though I'm well

but not totally well

 it is well

so very well

with my soul.


Each Thursday we come together to share the harvest of intentional living through sharing a piece of life gleaned: a picture, words, creation or list; just come to the table with the beauty in the simple moments of the week. Link up your gleaned moment this week at Jade's!

Link your moment at Jade's this week!

Living Healthfully: Blueberry Vanilla No-Milk Shake

During the summer months especially, I crave sweet, creamy, thick, frozen treats.

In years past, when I wasn't as conscious about health and sugar intake and was still consuming dairy, I'd normally satisfy the craving with a Starbucks frappacino or, on special occasion, a Culvers milkshake {I cringe at this now as I remember the shock I'd voiced when I was first diagnosed with gut flora imbalance last year. Back then I asked how such an imbalance could be. Now I ask how such an imbalance could NOT be!}.

So, anyway, though no one could pay me to drink either of those treats now, I still do daydream about healthy shakes, especially on hot days.

After making no-dairy ice cream for the kids this week, I decided to get brave in the kitchen and attempt to recreate a healthy sweet, creamy, thick frozen drink -- without sugar and without dairy.

A challenge, yes, but not impossible with the help of the sweet herb Stevia, a little good bacteria and some high quality ground vanilla beans.

The first try was a dud. Oy was it bad.

The second? So good.


The third? Awesome!


My treat-snob husband who groans at the thought of subbing probiotic milk for real make says this drink tastes more like a custard shake than a milkshake, but he agreed it was good tasting with amazing consistency. I've included alternate ingredients for those who can handle more sweetness. 



Ingredients:
Probiotic Milk:
1/2 Cup of Filtered Water
10-12 Drops of Stevia*
1.5 Tablespoons of Nielsen-Massey Madagascar Bourbon Vanilla Powder or ground vanilla beans
1 Tablespoon of lecithin granules 
1 teaspoon of Maca Root Powder
1 Tablespoon of probiotic powder {like Acidophilus; we use Primadophilus Kids}

1/3 heaping cup blueberries {if you have no sugar sensitivity,  use 3/4 cup of blueberries}
1/2 large avocado
1/3 cup of frozen spinach
1 cup of whole-cube ice



Directions:
First, make the probiotic milk by blending all ingredients expect for the probiotic powder for 30-45 seconds at 10 in a Vitamix or Blendtec or blender of choice.

Add the probiotic powder and blend on low for about 10 seconds.

Add the blueberries, avocado and frozen spinach to the blender and blend on high for about 45-60 seconds, The mixture should turn creamy and thick like a shake. You may need to add additional water to help smooth it out, so have about 1/2 cup on hand while blending.

*John advises those who are not/have not been on a sugar-restrictive diet to add one tablespoon of agave syrup or coconut sugar and omit the Stevia for a truer shake taste.



Lastly, enjoy!

Hey, while we're talking about REAL food that's real good and real good for you, maybe whip up your shake and then head over to the Real Food Summit and enjoy this tasty treat while feasting on some food for thought regarding health, eating real food and preventing/reversing disease. Specifically, I recommend the Joel Salatin talk -- SO GOOD!

Thanks to Neilsen-Massey Vanillas for sending me a bottle of sugar-free and alcohol-free Madagascar Bourbon Pure Vanilla Powder to help me get creative with new recipes while still adhering to my gut-restoring diet! No other compensation was received for a shout-out in this post. 

Living Healthfully: A Mirage in the Desert

Editor's Note November 2012: If you are looking for information on restoring your digestive system, please know that The Body Ecology Diet helped me, but it didn't completely restore my health. My body actually stalled out on the the diet, and I needed to go off it to heal other parts of my body. You can read about my last steps in healing by clicking here. 

At first it was so very much about arriving at destination deep dish pizza.

If I could just make it to the point of indulgence without suffering from a debilitating stomach ache and nausea in the aftermath of such a feast, I'd have successfully arrived at the end of my super-restrictive dieting. 

My eyes were set on a finish line of Lou Malnati's and a piece of Baklava by my January 2013 birthday. 

But at the start of 15 weeks{!!}on the Body Ecology Diet*, which has been aimed at restoring my inner body ecology and recovering my health from a candida overgrowth in my gut, it's becoming clearer now that the finish line I'd set eyes on was a mirage. 

Not an insanely delusional mirage like that of shack taking the shape of a well in the middle of the desert; it's been much more like that of an actual well taking the shape of an actual well ... but one that bears only still, stagnant water.

The kind of mirage that looked so good and so refreshing in the distance but dips its bucket into bitter, smelly water ... 

That's where I find myself at the completion of 14 weeks of eating only vegetables, eggs, protein, good fats and no sugar; I am approaching the well that looked so promising -- my GI tract having been healed graciously by God, in part through this way of fresh and whole eating -- and finding I could dip my bucket in ... but why would I want to?

As I'm approaching the well, there's some sort of off-stench wafting through the air, a screaming, halting warning to bypass. 

I don't dare drink it because I'm realizing this isn't the finish line. 

Though I couldn't see it until I got nice and close to the well, there's actually this fresh spring-fed river flowing just a few miles beyond it.

And destination deep dish pizza just doesn't hold a candle to fresh, whole foods anymore, to health. 

Instead of craving cheese and crust, I'm finding myself craving the foods that make me feel how the healthiness I've felt while eating what I've considered to be desert manna:

Energized, healthy, light, satisfied. 

I just don't want to lose that. 

Now that my body seems to have overcome a good portion of the gut flora imbalance and defeated a good deal of the bad candida, I only want to grow stronger and stronger.

I don't want to take steps back toward the heaviness, the bloating, the stomach pain, the brain fog, the irritability, the intense cravings; it just doesn't seem worth it for a slice of deep dish anymore. Or a piece of coffee cake on a special morning. Or even an occasional frozen cup of sweet java and cream. 

And taking that step back ward actually seems like it would be a welcoming invitation to have to walk through that desert of painful detoxing again; I don't want to relive the hives, the night-sweats, the chills, the exhaustion, the stomach pain, the anxiety, the tightness in my chest and the weakness in my bones. 

This way of eating, this desert manna diet, isn't just a diet aimed at merely sustaining energy and fixing an impaired digestive system; this way of eating is more a lifestyle geared at healing the whole body.

I believe this is how we were intended to eat -- food grown from the soil, unaltered and whole -- food harvested from growing healthy animals in the wide-open space of pasture. 

I'm trading in the dirty well water for the fresh-running river and praising God for the revelation of a promised land overflowing with honey. 

Because I'm just not willing to settle any more for a mirage being my destination point. 

{It's such a huge praise to bring news of such healing! Though I'm not at 100 percent, by the grace of God I am worlds away from where I began in the beginning of January. 

Would you offer praise on my behalf for his goodness in healing my body? And would you also pray for wisdom and discernment as I very {epicly} slowly add back in some of the whole, fresh foods that have a bit of sugar content during these coming weeks? I'll be doing quite a bit of listening to my body to make sure the candida that remains isn't being fed by the new additions of things like Granny Smith Apples and plain Greek Yogurt.}

*I have been following the Body Ecology Diet along with some additional protocol {and food restrictions from the experts at The Candida Diet forum.

Living Healthfully: Eating a Gluten-and-Dairy-Free Diet

I feel like a new person on the inside.

About a month ago, I severed my love affair with dairy, suspecting that it was adding to some GI issues I first started experiencing this summer after somehow contracting a parasite. (Don't ask; I don't honestly know how I got it, but I've been reassured that most of us live with many little buggers without really knowing it. My little buggers, well, they have been evicted.)

So anyway, out went the dairy and entered in its place almond milk, coconut and olive oils and some crazy, stretchy tapioca cheese-like substance that I'm not crazy about but like well enough when I want to make pizza. {Oh, pizza, why do you have to be so good and so evil?!}

While going dairy-free helped quite a bit, I still was experiencing GI issues, so a few weeks ago, at the suspicion of perhaps having developed a leaky gut during all the GI issues, I went to the next food culprit : gluten.

For my body, it was a pretty quick read: gluten is not my friend. Almost two weeks into my gluten and dairy free diet, I feel normal again. No more bloated, irritated GI tract and away with crabby wife and mommy as well.

Honestly, I feel so much better that I'm inclined to not even want to reintroduce dairy after the allotted time of gut healing has passed. Because who wants to go back to gross after feeling so good?

Been mulling a diet change of going cold turkey {mmm, you can still eat turkey!} with gluten and dairy?

Here are a few things that helped me through the first week:

* Find a friend or two who is willing to walk you through the emotional, chemical and physical changes that occur in your body and in your pantry. The support is key in knowing you can do this!

* Take a trip to Trader Joe's or Whole Foods Market and ask a crew member to brief you on dairy and gluten free options. Most staff members I've come across, especially at Whole Foods Market, have gone above and beyond to help guide me.

* Or browse Amazon for really wonderful gluten-free and dairy free foods like: Bob's Red Mill Almond Meal, apple pie Lara Bars, Bob's Red Mill gluten-free Oats, quinoa and a few other Bob's Red Mill staples that will provide whole grains in your diet without reeking havvoc on the gut.

* Find your happy place with fresh, whole foods like chicken, fish, fruits and veggies. This one is important. Whole, real foods are always better than anything processed, in my opinion!

We often snack on apples and cashews, enjoy slow-cooker chicken with Italian seasoning alongside green beans tossed with almonds and dried berries and sweet potatoes mashed with coconut oil for dinner; we feast on baked apple pie oatmeal for breakfast.

* Take a peak at some of the great foodie blogs for gluten and dairy free eating:

The Gluten-Free GoddessGluten-Free Girl and the Chef {must exchange dairy for almond milk, soy milk or rice milk}

* Find good substitutes for dairy. My favorites so far:

-almond milk in place of dairy milk {goat milk is great for the kids}
-hummus in place of cheese
-coconut oil in place of butter {you will never believe how good it is until you try it. Just do it!}
-olive oil in place of non-stick butters
-Daiya Tapioca is a good cheese-esque replacement for pizza
- coconut or almond milk ice cream in place of regular dairy ice cream

*If it's a packaged food, always double check for gluten by calling and asking if gluten is in the ingredients. Anything with wheat, bran, semolina, bulgar, spelt, tabbouli, orzo, couscous, farina, kamut and barley contains gluten. Defatted wheat germ also contains gluten, for any Standard Process supplement users.

As always, I'm happy to help, too. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

{I was not compensated or asked to talk about any of the products I mentioned. I just like them a lot!}